intentional self skeeving

talking about ‘the sluts’ by dennis cooper and maybe inferring too much

i call myself a fujo all the time for the same reason i’m obsessed with telling people i’m futch— partially because i think it’s really funny but mostly because it’s true. i don’t really think these words matter, i just love words and saying them. and sex. so i get really excited when words are about one or both of those things.

on the apps i say i’m freak4freak because it’s funny but also because it’s true. there are many levels to being a freak and the spectrum of vanilla to hardcore is so unbelievably vast that me calling myself a freak is probably laughable to some, but i digress. one of my best friends who is also a self proclaimed freak lives in chicago and goes to art school sex parties and sends me texts that say: “Strapped someone last night and had to put my contacts in before I did. Just wanted to let you to know.” when i published my first post on here i texted them: “started a substack obviously my first post is about gay porn basically.” these are things that we both know are important to each other. when we do our catch ups most of it is discussing our latest sexcapades. talking about sex is kind of like our love language.

i knew i would like ‘the sluts’ because it was explained to me as a crime novel with gay guys and sexual deviancy thats told via postings on an escort review website. i love gay guys and i love the internet. i don’t love trailers or synopses, so i didn’t know that the content warnings included snuff, genital mutilation, pedophilia, necrophilia, etc. i didn’t know that i was going to be reading about cock and ball torture on the trolley at 7 am. i was sitting next to old women with my book angled away from them reading about cock and ball torture on the trolley at 7 am. and that’s the tame stuff.

i’m a squeamish girl and there are things that happen in this book that i wouldn’t be able to repeat without getting a little nauseous, but i got addicted to reading this thing. i felt like if i got to the end i would have the answers as to why people are the way they are, what is it that makes someone a freak?

in a way i did. people desire to dole out and withstand pain and suffering. they desire to relinquish control of themselves, mentally and physically— to put your life in the hands of another is thrilling and cathartic. to want to ravage others when you’ve been ravaged, whether it be by disease or physical brutality or psychological manipulation. the desire to do unto others as has been done to you is a natural instinct. this i understand. i famously do not condone murder or sexual violence, but of course i understand why it happens.

recently, i was about to hook up with someone and i asked what they were into. they mentioned that they liked consensual non-consent and pee stuff. i don’t like either of those things, but i wasn’t put off by it, just curious. i asked them about the pee stuff and they said it was mostly a sensory thing for them, and they mainly like doing it after sex— as it’s own thing. i don’t know what that means but i think that’s really great and interesting that they know that about themselves. i think people who engage in non-vanilla sex have an extremely deep understanding of their own inner workings and i’d say maybe even the complexities of the systems under which the world operates. but maybe that’s not true. i don’t know, walk with me.

the people and the ideas and scenarios presented in this book are, at face value, shocking and inexplicable. a lot of the people involved are unreasonable, deluded, dangerous to themselves and others, unpredictable, genuinely psychotic, and sick. they’re that way because something has made them have an understanding of the world that’s difficult for me to comprehend. but i wanted to try.

i think if you try really hard you’re capable of understanding basically anything, it’s just a question of whether you want to or not. bigots don’t care to understand why boys like kissing each other and they definitely wouldn’t understand why i like watching it, and since they don’t understand it they think it’s bad. that’s fine with me, which is probably why it’s fine with the guys in the book that i think they’re sick.

i don’t know what else to say, i liked the book and i’d probably read it again. i don’t mind getting a little skeeved out every now and then. seeking out the skeeve allows me to step outside of my bubble and into someone else’s more warped, sticky, nasty one. i’m expanding my worldview one bubble at a time. i think everyone should seek the skeeve, make yourself uncomfortable if only for a little bit.